I made it to my next goal. I was so close, but still hovering. Then I was there, only because I was sick. I'm pretty sure it was food poisoning since it only lasted a day. Nothing could go in, but a lot came out. Not the recommended weight loss method.
Yesterday, in the height of my illness, I got to 194.8 lbs. It started some time after going to bed Sunday; I kept waking up feeling nausea. I had to call off work yesterday, and I was bummed about it because I was looking forward to baking. I slept most the day and watched some TV. Last night, I could finally eat something, chicken soup, and this morning I feel fine.
This morning I am 193.8 lbs, but I am also going to be eating multiple meals today and drinking a lot. I am very dehydrated, just got a leg cramp walking from the bedroom to the living room. In any case, I don't know that the weight loss will continue, but I do hope to stay below 195 lbs.
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Hovering
I've had dreams about hovering. Ones where I desperately want to fly, but all I can manage is to hover. Honestly, I should be happy with that, I mean, who can even hover off the ground?
Is this a metaphor for my life?? I want to reach my next goal of 195 lbs, yet all I can do is hover between 197-200 lbs. I am happy that I am finally below 200 lbs, extremely so, but like most people, I want more. I am doing things right except for an occasional splurge... hence why I briefly bump closer to 200 lbs, but I just can't seem to fall below 197 lbs.
I have a lot going on in life right now. Maybe it is stress. Yes, I can definitely say the past two months have had some stress in them. Loved ones are dying, health issues abound, job status is changing, homework is a never ending battle, etc. I saw someone young in a parking lot yesterday, walking along texting and smiling. I thought to myself, I miss those easier younger days. Then I thought, but wait, at the time those days didn't feel very easy. Life has never been easy. Life struggles change, but life is a struggle through and through. I am surprised I am not having bonbons and Pepsi every day to cope.
That is a good thing though! I am not using food to cope! No stress eating! I've never eaten a bonbon, and I haven't had soda pop in over two years. That is incredible when I think about how much of a Mt. Dew addict I was.
Things might not get easier, but I know I don't need food to help me through it. Now, what to do to getting below 197 lbs...
Is this a metaphor for my life?? I want to reach my next goal of 195 lbs, yet all I can do is hover between 197-200 lbs. I am happy that I am finally below 200 lbs, extremely so, but like most people, I want more. I am doing things right except for an occasional splurge... hence why I briefly bump closer to 200 lbs, but I just can't seem to fall below 197 lbs.
I have a lot going on in life right now. Maybe it is stress. Yes, I can definitely say the past two months have had some stress in them. Loved ones are dying, health issues abound, job status is changing, homework is a never ending battle, etc. I saw someone young in a parking lot yesterday, walking along texting and smiling. I thought to myself, I miss those easier younger days. Then I thought, but wait, at the time those days didn't feel very easy. Life has never been easy. Life struggles change, but life is a struggle through and through. I am surprised I am not having bonbons and Pepsi every day to cope.
That is a good thing though! I am not using food to cope! No stress eating! I've never eaten a bonbon, and I haven't had soda pop in over two years. That is incredible when I think about how much of a Mt. Dew addict I was.
Things might not get easier, but I know I don't need food to help me through it. Now, what to do to getting below 197 lbs...
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Loving the life, hating the body
I love being healthier. I am more active, and I feel better. The amount of health issues and the medications I took to keep them under control has decreased. Not that I don't still have to take many pills, because that is just the bariatric life. I love that my license shows my real weight now. That I am no longer always the heaviest person in the room now. That I can eat less and be satisfied.
But let me be real. I still hate my body. Once a pear, always a pear. A huge albeit droopy ass. Thighs that will not be small unless I carve some fat off of them. Calves that are never likely to see any boot other than a snow boot. And the breasts.. oh the breasts. What was once adequate, is now completely nonexistent. I bend over and these floppy sacks of skin remind me that there is nothing sexy about this body.
Buying clothing is not easier now, in fact, I think it is worse. Before I just bought whatever I liked, in colors I prefer, from online. Occasionally in store at Walmart, Torrid, or Catherines. I knew I would be wearing baggy clothing, not that it truly hid anything, but at least I liked what I was wearing.
Now, buying clothing I like, that also fits, is a struggle. If it is small enough in the bust, then it is snug on the hips and usually is strangling my upper arm droop. Then it rides up and my sleeves are in my arm pits. I do not want to wear sleeveless tops, if I did, I'd buy them that way. So I wear a bigger size, whether to accommodate my hips or arms, and it feels like I am right back to wearing baggy clothing. Pants are a little easier to find, but so many pants are made of stretch fabric... ugh! I had to wear stretch fabric before, I don't want to now. I don't like feeling like my thighs and calves are in sausage casings. But it is the right size! The waist fits with no jumping around or struggling to zip.
I must shop in person for all clothing now. I got clothing for my birthday two months ago, I had to return it all. I got clothing for Christmas, I had to return it all, with the exception of the pajamas.
I want to be able to wear cute clothing that fits well. I want to feel good about my appearance. I can't and I don't.
But let me be real. I still hate my body. Once a pear, always a pear. A huge albeit droopy ass. Thighs that will not be small unless I carve some fat off of them. Calves that are never likely to see any boot other than a snow boot. And the breasts.. oh the breasts. What was once adequate, is now completely nonexistent. I bend over and these floppy sacks of skin remind me that there is nothing sexy about this body.
Buying clothing is not easier now, in fact, I think it is worse. Before I just bought whatever I liked, in colors I prefer, from online. Occasionally in store at Walmart, Torrid, or Catherines. I knew I would be wearing baggy clothing, not that it truly hid anything, but at least I liked what I was wearing.
Now, buying clothing I like, that also fits, is a struggle. If it is small enough in the bust, then it is snug on the hips and usually is strangling my upper arm droop. Then it rides up and my sleeves are in my arm pits. I do not want to wear sleeveless tops, if I did, I'd buy them that way. So I wear a bigger size, whether to accommodate my hips or arms, and it feels like I am right back to wearing baggy clothing. Pants are a little easier to find, but so many pants are made of stretch fabric... ugh! I had to wear stretch fabric before, I don't want to now. I don't like feeling like my thighs and calves are in sausage casings. But it is the right size! The waist fits with no jumping around or struggling to zip.
I must shop in person for all clothing now. I got clothing for my birthday two months ago, I had to return it all. I got clothing for Christmas, I had to return it all, with the exception of the pajamas.
I want to be able to wear cute clothing that fits well. I want to feel good about my appearance. I can't and I don't.
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