Food Poisoned

I made it to my next goal.  I was so close, but still hovering.  Then I was there, only because I was sick.  I'm pretty sure it was food poisoning since it only lasted a day.  Nothing could go in, but a lot came out.  Not the recommended weight loss method.

Yesterday, in the height of my illness, I got to 194.8 lbs.  It started some time after going to bed Sunday; I kept waking up feeling nausea.  I had to call off work yesterday, and I was bummed about it because I was looking forward to baking.  I slept most the day and watched some TV.  Last night, I could finally eat something, chicken soup, and this morning I feel fine.

This morning I am 193.8 lbs, but I am also going to be eating multiple meals today and drinking a lot.  I am very dehydrated, just got a leg cramp walking from the bedroom to the living room.  In any case, I don't know that the weight loss will continue, but I do hope to stay below 195 lbs.

Hovering

I've had dreams about hovering.  Ones where I desperately want to fly, but all I can manage is to hover.  Honestly, I should be happy with that, I mean, who can even hover off the ground?

Is this a metaphor for my life??  I want to reach my next goal of 195 lbs, yet all I can do is hover between 197-200 lbs.  I am happy that I am finally below 200 lbs, extremely so, but like most people, I want more.  I am doing things right except for an occasional splurge... hence why I briefly bump closer to 200 lbs, but I just can't seem to fall below 197 lbs.

I have a lot going on in life right now.  Maybe it is stress.  Yes, I can definitely say the past two months have had some stress in them.  Loved ones are dying, health issues abound, job status is changing, homework is a never ending battle, etc.  I saw someone young in a parking lot yesterday, walking along texting and smiling.  I thought to myself, I miss those easier younger days.  Then I thought, but wait, at the time those days didn't feel very easy.  Life has never been easy.   Life struggles change, but life is a struggle through and through.  I am surprised I am not having bonbons and Pepsi every day to cope.

That is a good thing though!  I am not using food to cope!  No stress eating!  I've never eaten a bonbon, and I haven't had soda pop in over two years. That is incredible when I think about how much of a Mt. Dew addict I was.

Things might not get easier, but I know I don't need food to help me through it.  Now, what to do to getting below 197 lbs...

Loving the life, hating the body

I love being healthier.  I am more active, and I feel better.  The amount of health issues and the medications I took to keep them under control has decreased.  Not that I don't still have to take many pills, because that is just the bariatric life.  I love that my license shows my real weight now.  That I am no longer always the heaviest person in the room now.  That I can eat less and be satisfied.

But let me be real.  I still hate my body.  Once a pear, always a pear.  A huge albeit droopy ass.  Thighs that will not be small unless I carve some fat off of them. Calves that are never likely to see any boot other than a snow boot.  And the breasts.. oh the breasts.  What was once adequate, is now completely nonexistent.  I bend over and these floppy sacks of skin remind me that there is nothing sexy about this body.

Buying clothing is not easier now, in fact, I think it is worse.  Before I just bought whatever I liked, in colors I prefer, from online.  Occasionally in store at Walmart, Torrid, or Catherines.  I knew I would be wearing baggy clothing, not that it truly hid anything, but at least I liked what I was wearing.

Now, buying clothing I like, that also fits, is a struggle.  If it is small enough in the bust, then it is snug on the hips and usually is strangling my upper arm droop.  Then it rides up and my sleeves are in my arm pits.  I do not want to wear sleeveless tops, if I did, I'd buy them that way.  So I wear a bigger size, whether to accommodate my hips or arms, and it feels like I am right back to wearing baggy clothing.  Pants are a little easier to find, but so many pants are made of stretch fabric... ugh!  I had to wear stretch fabric before, I don't want to now.  I don't like feeling like my thighs and calves are in sausage casings.  But it is the right size!  The waist fits with no jumping around or struggling to zip.

I must shop in person for all clothing now.  I got clothing for my birthday two months ago, I had to return it all.  I got clothing for Christmas, I had to return it all, with the exception of the pajamas.

I want to be able to wear cute clothing that fits well.  I want to feel good about my appearance.  I can't and I don't.

Onederland!

I did it, made it to Onederland!!!!!!  And on my birthday to boot!  I couldn't have planned that.  To be honest, I would have made reaching Onederland a whole lot sooner had I been able to do so.  But it came as a birthday gift, the best one ever!

ONEDERLAND! Ignore my ugly feet, it's the number that counts!

That is a whole lot of exclamation points.  So enough of that.  My birthday plans, of course, involve eating a little bit of something I shouldn't (cake) so I may or may not be in Onederland by Monday's weigh-in.  I am so going to try though.  The party isn't until Sunday later afternoon which means I might be okay since I will not instantly turn those calories into fat, but on the other hand, I will have extra food in my system.  I guess we will see.  But nothing is going to dampen my happiness about this even if I have to wait another week to record it on my official progress log.  I have a whole lot of happy up in here.

My husband is still sleeping.  I have no idea what he got me for my birthday.  So excited!!

Exclamation Points!!!!!

“Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.” ― Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

It took me:  1 year, 5 months, 8 days   OR  
                   17 months and 8 days      OR    
                   75 weeks and 2 days        OR
                   527 days

Midsummer check-in

My sister's wedding was Saturday.  I saw a lot of relatives that hadn't seen me since before surgery.  I got compliments.  It felt good.  I felt good about myself.  I realized that despite the size of jeans I wear, I am looking good.

I made it to 214 lbs by my one year check-up at the end of May.  Not where I wanted to be, but not bad, if I do say so myself.  I am currently bouncing around between 206 lbs and 209 lbs.  My next goal is to reach 199 lbs and stay under that 200 lb mark for the rest of my life.

The past month has been crazy with wedding cake, brownies, and bem casados (wedding cookies) all provided by me.  My husband put together some pita/cracker/bagel trays with hummus and made a large pan of macaroni and cheese.  A lot of snacking, but I still lost some weight.  So I was thinking that if I can get back on track now, maybe it won't take too long to reach that goal.  I almost feel like I need to get to 195 before I will feel safe since my weight fluctuates a bit depending on the time of the month.  But then again 199 is such a milestone.  But how am I going to feel after I reach 199 and I bounce back to 200 due to monthly issues.  I can't decide.  But I am reaching for it, whatever it is.

I am not much of a selfie person, nor to I tend to try and have other people take my photo.  So far I haven't found a lot of shots of myself.  Old habits die hard, but here is a picture from the night before the wedding.  Only edited to protect the identity of the women with me as I didn't ask them if I could post this.

I am working one job.  I am starting business/culinary classes next month.  I just made my first wedding cake and got a ton of compliments.  I got compliments on the cookies and brownies too.  I was told to go into business for myself.  I told them that is the plan.  I am feeling good and excited about what the future holds for us.

Small Goals

My one year follow-up appointment is in 22 days.  I had hoped to be under 200 lbs by then.  To say I haven't been on track lately would be an understatement.

My husband is still here, thank God, but it was close.  He has been diagnosed with a disease that he we will probably struggle with the rest of our lives.  I can't go into more detail, only I will say it is not a result or complication of his having gastric bypass done.

I have been so far off the rails with regards to my eating.  I have felt sick from eating too many times to remember.  You would think I would stop if I am making myself sick, but it is like I can't help myself.  I have found that I have a much higher tolerance for savory foods than I do sweet foods.  I crave the sweet ones though.

Exercise has become nonexistent in my life.  My husband was off work for a whole month when he was in the hospital.  So I got a job, or two.  Actually, I am working three jobs right now.  I'm tired.  But I will be down to two jobs on Wednesday.

I "restarted" several times getting through half to one whole day before caving in and eating something I shouldn't.  My hunger is definitely back and it is vicious.  Today, I've done great though.  So great that on a whim I decided to weigh myself in the evening.  I thought I might as well know how bad it is.  To my surprise, I weigh 219.5 lbs.  My lowest weight yet.  Seeing that inspired me to blog.  Hopefully the inspiration will last and I will stick with it tomorrow and beyond.

I don't think I will be losing 19.5 pounds in the next three weeks.  Maybe I can just make it down to 215 lbs, seems reasonable, right?  Also, I would like to start exercising again, Wednesday would be a good day to start that.  Small goals are good goals.

Struggles

There is a lot going on.  I have a lot of anxiety and stress right now.  Struggling to stay positive, despite it all.  Maybe being positive is just being in denial though.