Loving the life, hating the body

I love being healthier.  I am more active, and I feel better.  The amount of health issues and the medications I took to keep them under control has decreased.  Not that I don't still have to take many pills, because that is just the bariatric life.  I love that my license shows my real weight now.  That I am no longer always the heaviest person in the room now.  That I can eat less and be satisfied.

But let me be real.  I still hate my body.  Once a pear, always a pear.  A huge albeit droopy ass.  Thighs that will not be small unless I carve some fat off of them. Calves that are never likely to see any boot other than a snow boot.  And the breasts.. oh the breasts.  What was once adequate, is now completely nonexistent.  I bend over and these floppy sacks of skin remind me that there is nothing sexy about this body.

Buying clothing is not easier now, in fact, I think it is worse.  Before I just bought whatever I liked, in colors I prefer, from online.  Occasionally in store at Walmart, Torrid, or Catherines.  I knew I would be wearing baggy clothing, not that it truly hid anything, but at least I liked what I was wearing.

Now, buying clothing I like, that also fits, is a struggle.  If it is small enough in the bust, then it is snug on the hips and usually is strangling my upper arm droop.  Then it rides up and my sleeves are in my arm pits.  I do not want to wear sleeveless tops, if I did, I'd buy them that way.  So I wear a bigger size, whether to accommodate my hips or arms, and it feels like I am right back to wearing baggy clothing.  Pants are a little easier to find, but so many pants are made of stretch fabric... ugh!  I had to wear stretch fabric before, I don't want to now.  I don't like feeling like my thighs and calves are in sausage casings.  But it is the right size!  The waist fits with no jumping around or struggling to zip.

I must shop in person for all clothing now.  I got clothing for my birthday two months ago, I had to return it all.  I got clothing for Christmas, I had to return it all, with the exception of the pajamas.

I want to be able to wear cute clothing that fits well.  I want to feel good about my appearance.  I can't and I don't.