Hovering

I've had dreams about hovering.  Ones where I desperately want to fly, but all I can manage is to hover.  Honestly, I should be happy with that, I mean, who can even hover off the ground?

Is this a metaphor for my life??  I want to reach my next goal of 195 lbs, yet all I can do is hover between 197-200 lbs.  I am happy that I am finally below 200 lbs, extremely so, but like most people, I want more.  I am doing things right except for an occasional splurge... hence why I briefly bump closer to 200 lbs, but I just can't seem to fall below 197 lbs.

I have a lot going on in life right now.  Maybe it is stress.  Yes, I can definitely say the past two months have had some stress in them.  Loved ones are dying, health issues abound, job status is changing, homework is a never ending battle, etc.  I saw someone young in a parking lot yesterday, walking along texting and smiling.  I thought to myself, I miss those easier younger days.  Then I thought, but wait, at the time those days didn't feel very easy.  Life has never been easy.   Life struggles change, but life is a struggle through and through.  I am surprised I am not having bonbons and Pepsi every day to cope.

That is a good thing though!  I am not using food to cope!  No stress eating!  I've never eaten a bonbon, and I haven't had soda pop in over two years. That is incredible when I think about how much of a Mt. Dew addict I was.

Things might not get easier, but I know I don't need food to help me through it.  Now, what to do to getting below 197 lbs...

Loving the life, hating the body

I love being healthier.  I am more active, and I feel better.  The amount of health issues and the medications I took to keep them under control has decreased.  Not that I don't still have to take many pills, because that is just the bariatric life.  I love that my license shows my real weight now.  That I am no longer always the heaviest person in the room now.  That I can eat less and be satisfied.

But let me be real.  I still hate my body.  Once a pear, always a pear.  A huge albeit droopy ass.  Thighs that will not be small unless I carve some fat off of them. Calves that are never likely to see any boot other than a snow boot.  And the breasts.. oh the breasts.  What was once adequate, is now completely nonexistent.  I bend over and these floppy sacks of skin remind me that there is nothing sexy about this body.

Buying clothing is not easier now, in fact, I think it is worse.  Before I just bought whatever I liked, in colors I prefer, from online.  Occasionally in store at Walmart, Torrid, or Catherines.  I knew I would be wearing baggy clothing, not that it truly hid anything, but at least I liked what I was wearing.

Now, buying clothing I like, that also fits, is a struggle.  If it is small enough in the bust, then it is snug on the hips and usually is strangling my upper arm droop.  Then it rides up and my sleeves are in my arm pits.  I do not want to wear sleeveless tops, if I did, I'd buy them that way.  So I wear a bigger size, whether to accommodate my hips or arms, and it feels like I am right back to wearing baggy clothing.  Pants are a little easier to find, but so many pants are made of stretch fabric... ugh!  I had to wear stretch fabric before, I don't want to now.  I don't like feeling like my thighs and calves are in sausage casings.  But it is the right size!  The waist fits with no jumping around or struggling to zip.

I must shop in person for all clothing now.  I got clothing for my birthday two months ago, I had to return it all.  I got clothing for Christmas, I had to return it all, with the exception of the pajamas.

I want to be able to wear cute clothing that fits well.  I want to feel good about my appearance.  I can't and I don't.