Addictions

Prior to surgery, I was addicted to sugar and to overeating.  I knew I was addicted, but I was unable to stop myself.  It embarrasses me now to think about some of the things I ate.  I sought that feeling of being stuffed, but not quite sick.  On more than one occasion, as my heart pounded from the sugar rush, I though that I was killing myself and would have a heart attack or diabetes soon.

I still think about sugar, but not about overeating so much.  I miss sugar.  I want sugar.  I don't think that will ever go away.  I will have to be strong the rest of my life to make sure I don't fall back into that trap.  I hope I dump if I eat too much sugar.  I don't know that I will, but I'm not willing to test it at this point to find out.

The Holidays are coming.  I dread the appearance of the usual family favorites.  The traditional foods that we have as far back as I can remember.  Will I stay strong in the face of my grandma's White Velvet Cookies, Lebkuchen Cookies, and Pumpkin White Chip Bars?  Time will tell.  Notice it is only the sweets I worry about?  I have a problem with them.

Whereas I am worried about the family favorites, new recipes, and baking itself doesn't phase me at all.  In fact, I'm pretty sure my replacement addiction is recipes and baking.  I thought I would splurge on clothes or something of that nature.  But no, I can't seem to stop baking.  I get antsy for it.  My husband's work, my nephews, church, and the 6 soldiers I sent baked good boxes to this month no doubt thank me.

I think I must be living vicariously through all these other people.  If I can't have sugar, at least sugar can make someone happy.  Good thing I have only been baking for my family about once a month and focusing on the other people.  Mainly the soldiers really, because I only bake for church once a month too.  And each soldier only gets one care package, then I get a new name to bake for.  So I'm not hurting anyone with all this baking, right?

To reassure myself (without having to taste) that I am not making something crappy.  I've only been using recipes that already have reviews.  Or recipes that I've made before, but are not a family tradition.  The higher rated and the more reviews the better.  And I read all the reviews for recipe changes that are suggested my multiple people.  Even if there are over 500 reviews, I read them all.

My Pinterest dessert board has exploded.  On another website I use, I have over 800 saved recipes.  My favorites has over another 100 recipes bookmarked before I decided to use Pinterest to keep track of them.  I already have planned out what I am making for the next three soldier boxes, my husband's work next week, and the next two times we are cooking for church.  So, yes, I think I am obsessed.  Or is that addicted?