I think I am destined to be plus sized forever. I am not talking about my weight. I mean that due to my body proportions, I will always have to buy plus size clothing.
I started at 361 lbs in a size 36 jeans with a size 4X top.
A year and 120 some pounds later...
I am a 240 lbs and in a size 28 jeans with a size 3X top.
This is utterly depressing. Let's say I reach 154 lbs, that is another 86 lbs to lose. So what? I will maybe be in a size 22 jeans with a size 2X top? I hate my body. I could cry. I wish I had never realized this.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Saturday, January 16, 2016
List Review
Work on my Knitting
Make Pizza Pasta Casserole for Church
Late addition:
Friday, January 15, 2016
Lists
I like lists. I frequently make one for myself of things I want to accomplish in the day. If I don't get it all done, there is some disappointment, but I have learned that I over-plan and am not usually realistic in what I can achieve in a day.
But when I do get it all done, I have such a sense of satisfaction. I've accomplished something with my day. Anything is possible!
Today, I would like to accomplish the following:
Shower (of course!)
Laundry (wash/dry/fold/put away)
Towels (ditto)
Walk
Read the Bible
Work on my Knitting
Watch a Movie that has to go back to the library today
Go to the Library
Go to the Grocery store
Go to my Six Month Appt
Go to the Bank
Eat Four Meals
Make Pizza Pasta Casserole for Church
Make Taco Meat for me
Get Cookies out of the Freezer for Church, and not eat any!
Those are just in the order I thought of them. Did I over plan? Probably.
But when I do get it all done, I have such a sense of satisfaction. I've accomplished something with my day. Anything is possible!
Today, I would like to accomplish the following:
Shower (of course!)
Laundry (wash/dry/fold/put away)
Towels (ditto)
Walk
Read the Bible
Work on my Knitting
Watch a Movie that has to go back to the library today
Go to the Library
Go to the Grocery store
Go to my Six Month Appt
Go to the Bank
Eat Four Meals
Make Pizza Pasta Casserole for Church
Make Taco Meat for me
Get Cookies out of the Freezer for Church, and not eat any!
Those are just in the order I thought of them. Did I over plan? Probably.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Accountability
I'm going to get my 6 month labs drawn today. My appointment with my surgeon's PA is this Friday. It is almost a month late, but that is the office's fault, not mine. I hope the results of the blood tests look good. I feel like I have been doing very well on getting all my protein and vitamins in. Not perfect though.
I have been having some struggles.
1. Water! I feel like I am so dehydrated. I am getting about 5 cups of liquid a day consistently. Maybe 1-2 days a week I am reaching 8 cups. I forget to drink. Or I go somewhere and forget to take a drink with me. Every time I eat, I am crazy thirsty afterwards, but I can't drink for 30 minutes. I am not drinking caffeine at least. It is really starting to take a toll on me though. My skin is terribly dry. When I pee, there is not a lot of it. I fear that I am going to begin damaging my kidneys. I hope they can find my vein today, I am drinking water as I type.
2. Exercise. We bought a treadmill, did I say this before? I knew it was not realistic for me to say I would go to the Y or a store to walk in winter. I just wouldn't do it. So we have a treadmill, which I am using! But only about 3 days a week. Actually, it was 2 days last week. :( I need to beef up my walking. Exercise is so important and I am only sabotaging myself by not doing it. My dental hygienist and I were talking this past Wednesday. She said she had heard you need to exercise 4 days a week to maintain and 5 days a week to lose weight. I had never heard that, so I don't know if it is true. But I am certainly not getting close to 5 days a week. Maybe this is why my weight loss this past two months has been so slow.
3. Sweets. My sweet-tooth has been rearing it's ugly head, and worse, I have been listening to it. Luckily, we don't have much in the house that is a sweet. But I have had some things I shouldn't. My husband's birthday was last week. I had a small piece of cake. But I just couldn't leave it alone. So before it left our house to go to work with him two days later, I had had a second piece. Then it was out of the house, temptation gone. But this has happened with more than one thing. When I baked cookies for Christmas for other people, I tried one of each (not all at once!). Then I had cookies in the freezer until I was going to see said people. But a cookie or two may have disappeared from the freezer. In any case, I need to have self-discipline. I know I have my weaknesses, but I cannot let temptation get the better of me.
I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do. Drink 8 cups of water! Exercise 5 days a week! Avoid sweets! That is all very well and even easy for me to say. But I guess what I am saying is that I need someone holding me accountable. I need someone that I do not want to disappoint. What about your husband, you say? Well, we have kind of agreed to do this journey together, but not tell each other what to do. It causes too much strife between us. Family is out. I'm not sure where/who else to look for someone either.
I have been having some struggles.
1. Water! I feel like I am so dehydrated. I am getting about 5 cups of liquid a day consistently. Maybe 1-2 days a week I am reaching 8 cups. I forget to drink. Or I go somewhere and forget to take a drink with me. Every time I eat, I am crazy thirsty afterwards, but I can't drink for 30 minutes. I am not drinking caffeine at least. It is really starting to take a toll on me though. My skin is terribly dry. When I pee, there is not a lot of it. I fear that I am going to begin damaging my kidneys. I hope they can find my vein today, I am drinking water as I type.
2. Exercise. We bought a treadmill, did I say this before? I knew it was not realistic for me to say I would go to the Y or a store to walk in winter. I just wouldn't do it. So we have a treadmill, which I am using! But only about 3 days a week. Actually, it was 2 days last week. :( I need to beef up my walking. Exercise is so important and I am only sabotaging myself by not doing it. My dental hygienist and I were talking this past Wednesday. She said she had heard you need to exercise 4 days a week to maintain and 5 days a week to lose weight. I had never heard that, so I don't know if it is true. But I am certainly not getting close to 5 days a week. Maybe this is why my weight loss this past two months has been so slow.
3. Sweets. My sweet-tooth has been rearing it's ugly head, and worse, I have been listening to it. Luckily, we don't have much in the house that is a sweet. But I have had some things I shouldn't. My husband's birthday was last week. I had a small piece of cake. But I just couldn't leave it alone. So before it left our house to go to work with him two days later, I had had a second piece. Then it was out of the house, temptation gone. But this has happened with more than one thing. When I baked cookies for Christmas for other people, I tried one of each (not all at once!). Then I had cookies in the freezer until I was going to see said people. But a cookie or two may have disappeared from the freezer. In any case, I need to have self-discipline. I know I have my weaknesses, but I cannot let temptation get the better of me.
I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do. Drink 8 cups of water! Exercise 5 days a week! Avoid sweets! That is all very well and even easy for me to say. But I guess what I am saying is that I need someone holding me accountable. I need someone that I do not want to disappoint. What about your husband, you say? Well, we have kind of agreed to do this journey together, but not tell each other what to do. It causes too much strife between us. Family is out. I'm not sure where/who else to look for someone either.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Almost Halfway There
I've been hovering under my next weight loss goal most of the week. But I feel like I am reluctant to actually crossing it off. That I've been losing so slowly, maybe I will gain it back and then won't I feel defeated to go backwards on my goals. Is this silly? I am going to wait until tomorrow, since it is my official weigh-in day. If I am still under the goal, no matter how close to it I am, I'm going to cross it off.
The goal is 50% of my excess weight lost. What a milestone! I am/will be half way there to what I should lose. What ideally I want to lose, though I think getting down to 154 lbs is a little hard to imagine. Wouldn't I actually have to be underweight to reach 154 lbs to account for all the excess skin hanging on me?
I do hope someday to have skin removed. But that cost money, so for the possible future. For now we are still paying on the gastric bypass surgery.
Also, speaking of goals, I have not been rewarding myself upon reaching goals. Not for the past 2-3 anyway. I feel like I don't know what to get myself. I don't need any clothes. I will not make food a reward. We can't afford to go anywhere right now. I don't "need" anything. So maybe I will just save up the idea of the rewards until there is something bigger I really want. Then I can tell myself I deserve it for all my hard work.
The goal is 50% of my excess weight lost. What a milestone! I am/will be half way there to what I should lose. What ideally I want to lose, though I think getting down to 154 lbs is a little hard to imagine. Wouldn't I actually have to be underweight to reach 154 lbs to account for all the excess skin hanging on me?
I do hope someday to have skin removed. But that cost money, so for the possible future. For now we are still paying on the gastric bypass surgery.
Also, speaking of goals, I have not been rewarding myself upon reaching goals. Not for the past 2-3 anyway. I feel like I don't know what to get myself. I don't need any clothes. I will not make food a reward. We can't afford to go anywhere right now. I don't "need" anything. So maybe I will just save up the idea of the rewards until there is something bigger I really want. Then I can tell myself I deserve it for all my hard work.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
I'm dreamin my life away
I didn't make any resolutions this year. I didn't know if I should bother. It seems like every year that I make one (or several) I always fail to keep them. Instead, I will share my dreams. What I would want to happen if anything were possible. My pie in the sky: something that I hope will happen but is very unlikely to happen.
1. Reach ideal BMI weight of 154.0 lbs
2. Become pregnant/have a baby
3. Win the lottery
4. Open up and successfully run my own bakery
5. Buy our dream home
6. Have full perky breasts (weight loss has decimated mine)
7. Not get sick all year
8. Not worry about money/paying bills all year
9. My husband can comfortably retire
10. We will be happy despite what comes our way
I think none of these are contingent on the other. While winning the lottery would definitely make the others more possible, there are other ways those dreams could come to fruition.
1. Reach ideal BMI weight of 154.0 lbs
2. Become pregnant/have a baby
3. Win the lottery
4. Open up and successfully run my own bakery
5. Buy our dream home
6. Have full perky breasts (weight loss has decimated mine)
7. Not get sick all year
8. Not worry about money/paying bills all year
9. My husband can comfortably retire
10. We will be happy despite what comes our way
I think none of these are contingent on the other. While winning the lottery would definitely make the others more possible, there are other ways those dreams could come to fruition.
Monday, December 7, 2015
How Things Be Doing
We were on vacation last week, hence, no update. It was wonderful and relaxing. I can't wait to go back. We both loved it and want to spend another week, or even a long weekend at the cabin.
Despite being on vacation, I lost weight. In fact, I blasted out of the slump I had been in with a whopping 4.2 lb loss. I am hoping to keep it up. I did consistently walk more the past week, although I didn't hit 10,000 steps every day.
I did eat some things out of the guidelines, and I can happily say I won't be eating some of them again. Two were not as good as I remembered them being. A couple made me feel nausea, but I never actually got sick. The only one that I was like "mmm this is so good!" was a soft taco from Taco Bell.
I had my first caffeine yesterday, in the form of a coffee drink. It was... okay. Honestly, I probably won't do it again unless I need to poop. Because an hour later, I was rushing to the bathroom.
My hair is still coming out faster than I am growing it. My left temple is getting really thin. I'm almost ready to declare I'm getting a bald spot. I hate it. I hate my thin hair in general. I'm afraid to do anything to it for fear of ripping more out. I am not even convinced all the things I'm doing for it are helping.
I bought Nioxin shampoo and conditioner. I am still losing hair. I take biotin, zinc, and a multivitamin, and have seen no difference. I started the zinc just a couple months ago. But since I have seen no difference, I stopped taking it yesterday. I bought mega bottles of the Nioxin, so I will continue that. Also, the biotin because I know it works on horses, so it should be doing something for me right? Besides, I have the image in my head of waking up to find all my hair on my pillow if I stop doing everything.
Despite being on vacation, I lost weight. In fact, I blasted out of the slump I had been in with a whopping 4.2 lb loss. I am hoping to keep it up. I did consistently walk more the past week, although I didn't hit 10,000 steps every day.
I did eat some things out of the guidelines, and I can happily say I won't be eating some of them again. Two were not as good as I remembered them being. A couple made me feel nausea, but I never actually got sick. The only one that I was like "mmm this is so good!" was a soft taco from Taco Bell.
I had my first caffeine yesterday, in the form of a coffee drink. It was... okay. Honestly, I probably won't do it again unless I need to poop. Because an hour later, I was rushing to the bathroom.
My hair is still coming out faster than I am growing it. My left temple is getting really thin. I'm almost ready to declare I'm getting a bald spot. I hate it. I hate my thin hair in general. I'm afraid to do anything to it for fear of ripping more out. I am not even convinced all the things I'm doing for it are helping.
I bought Nioxin shampoo and conditioner. I am still losing hair. I take biotin, zinc, and a multivitamin, and have seen no difference. I started the zinc just a couple months ago. But since I have seen no difference, I stopped taking it yesterday. I bought mega bottles of the Nioxin, so I will continue that. Also, the biotin because I know it works on horses, so it should be doing something for me right? Besides, I have the image in my head of waking up to find all my hair on my pillow if I stop doing everything.
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